A letter to my panic disorder

 

Hey, twin
Hey, flame 
How about you and me getting out of bed for the first time in weeks?
How about us standing on our feet and actually be able to walk?
Aren't you tired? Don't you wanna feel this cold magic air?
I tried to please you ever since they told me that  you're in me, with me, me.
An invisible friend living inside for years finally making her way to the top
Now you're more than I am
more than I ever was
So I read you good books, I took you on dates,
I told you all my secrets, I gave you my body
weak and scared
I took you on planes, I showed you special places,

I thought you Italian words, I took pictures with you

I smiled for you
I invited you to my dinners cause we both know you won't let me eat in the daytime
I took you to hospitals and clinics and hospitals and clinics
I've been nice to you, I cried with you, I gasped for air so you can breathe
I let you stay in my house, in my bed for months

I never treated you as a diagnose
Cause you're not easy but you're mine...
So why are you still hitting? Why so violent, my dear?
Why do you shatter me like that when all I wanted was to understand your circumstances?
Your symptoms, my symptoms
My life, our life.
Why are you stronger than my benzos now? Why are you spitting on my treatment plan?
Why do you hate the doctors?
Why do you mask death everytime you come around?
Why can't we be friends?

In my most cruel and cinical way I thought I became attached to you
Like a little jewel that's always there
But I won't let you bury me, darlin'
even if you decide to stay forever.